I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
