He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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