Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
