I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
