i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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