The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We need a shit load of segways right now
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
