Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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