Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
