I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
