So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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