Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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