4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
