I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
