I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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