you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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