Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
