No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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