Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
