Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
