guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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