the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
