Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
