Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
