Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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