You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
