Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
