FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
