You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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