My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
