I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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