That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
