I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
