She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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