i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
