I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
