Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
