If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
