After last night, I could never be a politician.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
