Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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