I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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