ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
