I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
even my farts smell like vagina
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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