My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
