Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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