She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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