Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
