I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
