I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
