Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
