just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
