You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
