Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
