Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
